BY CHUCK HESTON IN DEAD MAN’S HAND, ARIZONA

IT’S THE STUFF of countless westerns and police dramas: the American relying on his gun always triumphs. Well, now new research suggests that not only does he win, but he lives longer.

“Five years on average,” says Clint Wayne, who authored the study for Republic of One a private militia think tank based in Arizona and New Mexico. “And the more guns you own, the more extended the lifespan. We believe it’s a confidence thing. The man with a gun believes in himself. It’s a terrific shot in the arm for self-esteem, if you’ll excuse the pun. And the man with many guns not only believes in himself but scares the shit out of people around him, and knows it. We call it the Smith and Wesson dividend, and it pays out daily. Even a man who has never fired a gun his whole life gets the benefit. Individual power. There’s nothing like it.”

Denis Dweebe, of the All Guns Deliver Are Cold Dead Hands lobby group in New York, says the new study is a dangerous green light to mass shootings. “People with guns live longer because they shoot people without guns, how about that?” he added.

“Exactly our point,” replied Clint Wayne, who denies any links to the National Rifle Association or the radical group Do You Feel Lucky Punk? whose website praised his work. “Our motto is simply: ‘Walk in heavy, or stay out’.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Mr Dweebe remarked. “This is toxic masculinity at its worst.”

“Damn right, it’s appalling,” insisted Susie Uberfrau of Double Tap, an armed housewives network popular in Republican electorates across America. “Armed women only appear to live about two years longer on average, even if they’re also married to a man with a large-calibre weapon. This inequality has to be sorted out or my gals are gonna sort it out for themselves. Know what I mean?”

East and West coast Democratic politicians have called for the study to be banned. “It’s a damned licence to murder and rape,” said Dwight Turd, a local politician in California who wants the United States to completely disarm. “It’s bad enough we have a military that sees it as its divine right to go around the world killing anything it doesn’t like. Now this.”

Charlotte Bronson-Stallone-Statham, who leads her own female neighborhood watch in southern Texas, begged to disagree: “Murder and rape? Oh, please! You know the best defence to murder and rape? A strong woman, a Glock nine milimetre automatic, a cool hand, a deliberate aim, the love of a good man, Jesus Christ, and at least three spare magazines. Eat lead, you sons of bitches!”