FROM OUR RUNE READING CORRESPONDENT, IN NEWGRANGE, CO MEATH, IRELAND

“HE’S DITCHED THE Fenians and come over to us. It’s quite apparent. Our No Surrender has forced his surrender.”

Davy Paedo, a former international ballet dancer and one-time bare-knuckle boxing champion, who is also a minister in the Free Church of Fierce Condemnation, added that the US President was welcome to join him at his weekly Pray the Gay Away services in Ballymena at any time. “He should bring Hunter with him. That wee boy has lost direction. A few How’s About yous? and an Ulster fry would do him the world of good. Remember, God’s mercy and forgiveness begins with total submission to his will that the Protestant people of Northern Ireland be restored to their supremacy.

“So, you see, we expect some quid pro quo for God’s mercy and forgiveness. And, as you may notice, we’re a little more expensive than the Papists. No three Hail Marys or four Our Fathers here. Away with the Protocol. Bring down a plague on the House of Fenianism – stop giving them student visas for a start. Wage war on sodomy. Make the Irish Free State a desert. You can work on it from there. No pressure.”