BY OUR DUBLIN CORRESPONDENT

A THIRD PARTY may be on the verge of entering the Ukraine conflict. Ireland is said to be in the process of laying claim to much of modern Ukraine based on the Scythian roots of the Celtic island’s population.

“If we follow, say, something like the Israeli claim to the ancient Jewish lands, then the Irish have a similarly legitimate claim to Ukraine,” says Professor Chekov O’ Trotsky-Murphy of the Ukraine for the Irish Foundation, which advocates for a return of ancient Scythian lands to their Irish descendants. “Before its current status, this area was the homeland of the great Scythian people, who it is believed were the forerunners of the modern Irish. No wonder we have accepted so many Ukrainians in Ireland. There’s a natural affinity, I suppose.

“But we were there thousands of years before any Scandanavians or Slavs ever turned up. So with due respect to our Ukrainian and Russian friends, that land is ours. And we’d like it back.”

Irish Government sources have confirmed that interest in the Irish claim to Ukraine has increased since the Russian invasion last year, but they deny any immediate move to reclaim lost territory. “Jesus, isn’t the North difficult enough for us,” said a spokesperson. “The boys are wetting themselves over the prospect of having to take that back. I don’t think the Army could run two campaigns that far apart, no matter how belligerent Micheal Martin (the Foreign Minister) gets at times.”

Moscow and Kyiv both said they respected the ancient Irish claim and might even consider a voice to parliament for the Irish in the future, along the lines of that proposed by the Australian Government for its ancient Aboriginal population, but it couldn’t be in Irish as the language was just too difficult to learn. “Not to mention all that fucking poetry,” a Ukrainian politician remarked. “Yes, my kids are over there, and I see their homework. Better to be on the front line here, I think.”