BELGRADE, THURSDAY

THE GERMANS called them wonder weapons, Wunderwaffen, in WW2. Some were even called revenge weapons, Vergeltungswaffen. It was hoped they change the curse of the war. They didn’t. Today, NATO likes to refer to them as game changers. Again, these are weapons that it is hoped will change the course of the war in Ukraine.

“To date, all the equipment we have sent hasn’t had quite the desired effect,” said an anonymous colonel based at NATO headquarters. “Small arms, artillery, rocket systems, fighting vehicles, tanks, drones, each was supposed to be a war winner. Alas, the pesky Ruskis are still in place. F16 fighters are our next attempt, but just in case they don’t work either, we’re already moving off planet.

“Meetings have been taking place with aliens based on the moon. We’ve been in touch with these guys since 1947 and normally they won’t interfere with our civilization – you know, the prime directive thing – but we think the situation in Ukraine deserves a rethink and we’ve been telling them that. Damn it, we need something. And we have to lock the aliens in before Ivan or, God forbid, the Chinese get to them.”

It is understood that several secret NATO-Alien sit downs have taken place on the far side of the moon, courtesy of an unnamed private space exploration company, and negotiations with at least three advanced civilizations with bases there are said to have been fruitful.

“All we require is that President Biden doesn’t put his foot in his mouth and insult our extra-terrestrial friends,” said a state department official, “and a little luck. And then maybe, just maybe we will have that silver bullet we need in Ukraine.”