BY HARVEY WALL-BANGER, NATO MILITARY TACTICS EDITOR

“NONE OF OUR plans anticipated the Russians actually fighting back, dude!”

The American captain attached to NATO’s unofficial presence in Kyiv – supposedly an LGBTQIA+ Opera Company performing a gender fluid Madam Butterfly – bowed his head towards his fifth beer and swore. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Even old Dave Petraeus said they were shit: badly led, badly equipped, badly trained. How many more bads do you want?”

His off-the-record briefing, conducted over pepperoni pizza and strong Czech beer, poured out between the swear words and occasional giggles and tears. “We just can’t fuckin’ believe it. Now I have to spin the F16 as a wonder weapon. It’s nearly half a century old. If it were human, I’m young enough to be its son. God damn it. It all sucks, dude.”

Asked for a confirmation quote, a Pentagon general said: “It was not in our game plan that the Russians had any fight in them. They’re invaders. They’re dumb former commie motherfuckers. Jeez, Dave Petraeus said he thought they’d fold. You just wait: he’ll be right. Didn’t he win in Iraq and Afghanistan? The Surge? Wasn’t that something? ‘Uh, like I think you’re gonna need a bigger army’.”