BY G. RASPUTIN IN MINSK

AS HE BEGINS HIS exile in neighboring Belarus, Russian mercenary leader Yavgeny Prigozhin is carrying two warnings from friends in his head: always live in a single-storey dwelling and for God’s sake don’t ever drink tea again.

The Wagner commander, who began his relationship with Russian President Putin as a caterer and chef, launched one of the shortest-lived coups in living memory. “Even the KGB coup of 1991 lasted longer,” explained historian Dr. Tolstoy Dostoyevsky. “You have to go back to the July 20 plot against Hitler to see something of such brevity. And they were all executed. Prigozhin got off too lightly and he must know it. He reminds one of Carlo in The Godfather. And perhaps Putin is Michael. Michael had Carlo garroted after making him a key ally and even being godfather to his child. Prigozhin must be checking everything, cars, houses, beds, food, drinks, and, most of all, friends. And avoiding aircraft and anything higher than a step ladder.”

“He can never be sure who is with him and who is against him,” explained former KGB officer Demitri Legovervich, a spy whose reputation with women was legendary, before he defected to the French. “And he’s a guest of Lukashenko, Putin’s pal. Unless there’s much more to this than meets the eye – and there could be – Prigozhin would do well to make a dash for NATO territory. Except he knows he’ll face war crimes accusations there. Check mate, as they say in Russia.”