FROM DARKEST BELARUS

RUMORS ARE CIRCULATING in Moscow that Vladimir Putin is has approached hard-man British TV star Ross Kemp to take command of the Wagner mercenaries following the group’s abortive march on the Russian capital.

“Coup, my arse,” said a Kremlin insider. “This was industrial action. Remember, you get further with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. Anyway, it’s all been settled. Chef Prigozhin is off to Belarus for a well-deserved break, and so a new commander is needed. The boss (Putin), who is a great fan of Ross Kemp, thought that because Chef Prigozhin and Ross look so alike, the TV star would be perfect. It’s now a matter of what can be agreed with his people.”

Wagner soldiers are said to be very excited at the thought of being led into battle by Ross Kemp. “Fuck, Ultimate Force is my favorite show,” said five-time murderer Yevgeny (not his real name), who signed on with the mercenaries to “see the sky again”. Yevgeny insists that Kemp would be well-treated if he took up the offer. “We’ve seen him in Afghanistan. Respect. Some of us were there too. We’ve seen with the criminal gangs. Again respect. Some of us are from criminal gangs. Putin’s chef (Prigozhin), he was okay, but every time we got into difficulty he just cooked a three-course meal. It’s nice but it doesn’t get you very far on the battlefield. Now you know why it took so long to capture Bakhmut. We were all overweight.”