FROM ROSTOV-ON-DON

THE ABORTIVE coup launched by the Wagner Private Military Company was sparked by revelations of undeclared payments to RTE superstar Ryan Tubridy, according to mercenary sources.

A simmering dispute between the Kremlin and Wagner over pay and conditions blew up into full-scale rebellion for a while when the mercenaries found out that Tubridy had been paid hundreds of thousands euro more than RTE admitted to, for hosting what the dogs of war called “a stale television show”, while the Russians were having to haggle with Vladimir Putin over basic entitlements, even after winning Russia’s only significant victory in Ukraine the past 12 months.

“We can’t understand this Tubridy thing,” said a Wagner officer who spent time in Ireland years ago. “I mean Gaybo, yeah, he had something. A little bit obsequious at times, and certainly official Ireland’s spokesman, but there was a talent. Ryan, he gets money for turning up, it seems. And we have to die for zip. Fuck that.”

“Yeah, a fucking monkey could do that Late Late job,” said a former prisoner who joined Wagner. “You need to be a real gorilla to be with us. And Tubridy gets that kind of money. Hell, there must be large queues from other TV stations begging for his services to justify that. No shit.”