BY HERITAGE REPORTERS IN DONBAS

RECENT IRISH claims to the territory of Ukraine based on the island population’s alleged ancient Scythian ancestry, has led to an upsurge in claims of Irish citizenship by Russian troops based in those Oblasts of the Donbas, newly annexed by Russian.

“This is Ireland, and so we’re Irish,” said one disgruntled Russian soldier whose entire company had been wiped out twice. “You know, like in that old British film Passport to Pimlico? And if it’s Ireland and we’re Irish, then we’res neutral, sort of, yeah? So we all stop fighting and get EU grants. Ireland, Ireland, Ireland … Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole … Jackie Charlton … Bono … Bob Geldof … it certainly pays to be Ryan Tubridy, ho, ho, ho … Ooh Aaah, Up the Ra! Or is that Paul McGrath?”

Russian soldiers sitting in trenches under withering Ukrainian fire are also said to be reading the great Irish classic Peig, to one another. “It’s torture but that keeps our minds off the terror of the Ukrainian barrage,” said a young lieutenant based north of Bakhmut. “We might try reading it to the Ukrainians to slow them down. They’re inching forward and Peig might just do the trick. What would our position be vis a vis war crimes if we did, I wonder?”