BELGRADE, THURSDAY

WHILE NATO morale factories have been working overtime to keep the flow of high spirits pouring into Ukraine, much more is needed in the face of heavy Russian reality, say experts.

“The United States has been opening a fresh line of morale production for Ukraine almost every week, but those damn Russians they just won’t break and run like they’re supposed to, ” says a White House insider.

“I mean, we’ve done the computer analysis. According to our quantum supercomputer, by our numbers the Ukrainians should be in Moscow by now, having a victory celebration in Red Square. We need to break out the super-strength morale supplies, now!”

“Yes, the Ukrainians are in some danger of running out of supplies of ordinary morale given the current state of their offensive,” according to Dr Millicent Probe, a London-based strategic planner with the Somme Project, a Brexit think tank. “So the idea is to plug the gap with fantastical morale boosts, stuff so ludicrous that it’s banned in many countries. Which is why we at the Somme Project are involved.”

Fantastical Morale Boosts (FMBs) were used by the US in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, but with such damaging effect on civilian populations that their use is now considered a war crime in much of the world.