RETAIL MILITARY HARDWARE REPORTER

THE HARD-PRESSED British Government is said to be turning to Amazon and eBay for military supplies, as it struggles to cope with the demands made upon it by Ukraine’s struggling offensive.

London’s Defence Minister, Ben Wallace, known for his strategic genius, gave the game away when, presented with a fresh list of demands, he told the Ukrainians that Britain was not Amazon.

“Look, we thought 14 Challenger tanks and a few artillery shells would do the trick,” said a retired British Intelligence Officer who now runs a charity in the Ukrainian city of Lviv. “The Ruskis would run, the Ukrainians would liberate Crimea and the Donbass, and we’d all be celebrating a victorious Christmas in Kyiv. But the damn thing keeps going on. And now the Ukrainians are beginning to sound a bit like Oliver – wanting more, and more and more. War is such an expensive business. Whouda thunk?”

As the Ukrainians continue to attack – an defend – along a 900-kilometre front, they are using up military hardware, particularly ammunition, at a rate that NATO countries are finding hard to replace. Hence the British attempt to solve the problem by shopping online. It is expected that Washington will offer to buy private stocks of American ammunition at twice market value just to meet Ukrainian needs. But the US is also planning on sending Amazon packages to Kyiv.

Meanwhile, the British are alleged to have gone a step further.

“Don’t tell anyone,” a former British diplomat told the Kookaburra Bugle, “but we’ve been in touch with former IRA gun runners asking them to help source weaponry. Good chaps, the Provos.”