USELESS DOPEHEAD CORRESPONDENT IN BOGOTA, COLUMBIA

“IT DEFINITELY saved the cartels a few years back. The price of cocaine on the streets of American cities had flat-lined, like many of its consumers’ heart beats. Then there’s a massive spike in demand and prices shoot up. Our study suggests it was all down to Hunter Biden.”

The shocking words of Professor Richard Keith, himself a former addict and now the head of the Amsterdam-based think-tank, Blow, which researches the effect of illicit drugs on economies and the consequent effect of individual drug users on the price of things like cocaine.

“You have to understand that there’s carry trade in drugs between markets the same way there is between currencies. Indeed, in some countries drugs are a currency. Let me explain what I mean. If I buy a gram of cocaine here in the Netherlands for say $6 – yes, it’s really cheap here because it’s plentiful and easy to access – I can sell that in the Middle East for maybe $250 to $300 a gram. That’s better than the classic Yen carry trade against the US dollar. Well, this goes on constantly.

“Anyway, a few years back, the price of cocaine on the streets of America fell to alarming low levels – maybe it was just other drugs or maybe the cartels became too efficient, or maybe it was a bad carry deal. Whatever, they couldn’t give it away in many cities. Suddenly, a trade that was virtually printing money was actually showing a loss. The boys in Cali and Mexico were not impressed. A lot of lives were interrupted, and for good. Then, out of nowhere, the price of cocaine starts to rise in America. No one could figure out the reason; except sudden demand. We searched and searched for a cause – as did the cartels, we understand – and we discovered a link between Hunter Biden’s last great binge and the rise in the price of the drug.

“We scratched our heads. It was hard to credit. Then we were contacted by the cartels – they know about us and they use our research to plan sales and distribution around the globe. It’s not our fault, we publish all our work. the DEA use us too. So the cartels contacted us and confirmed what we had found. Their own street information paralleled our studies. Word was that it was Hunter Biden’s habit that forced the price up and kept it steady. Shit at one point he was smoking crack cocaine every fifteen minutes. The price rise in the US then forced the price of the drug up everywhere else. It affected the carry market till the price finally stabilized.

“Hey, none of this is provable by any hard numbers, and it didn’t prop up the price for very long, but just long enough for the pushers to balance supply with demand again and keep the price where they wanted it. That’s all the cartels want. It’s easier for their accountants.”