BY FRANCIS LUNDOP, PLANNING CORRESPONDENT

IN LIGHT OF the discovery of Irish markings on Iranian drones used by Russia against Ukraine, the Russian Government, sensing a secret ally, is said to have lodged a planning application to build a “small” ballistic missile base at its Dublin Embassy site on Orwell Road.

“Nothing anyone will notice,” a spokesperson said. “Imagine a large deck with a jaccuzzi.”

Previously, Ireland has made hostile noises towards Russia. But a Moscow insider said that the Irish contribution to the Iranian drones they were using in Ukraine was an indication that the little neutral island at the edge of the Atlantic, always saying it was peaceful and fun loving, was nothing of the sort. “Machiavellian, and sweetly hypocritical with it,” she said. “Straight from the old KGB playbook. We can do business with these kind of people. And that visit by their part-time leader, the Doctor, Varadkar, to Kyiv, while his country sleeps on the streets, and his industry helps to supply us with weapons, well that was pitch perfect. Resurrects his almost dead profile at home – he can look sympathetic and tough without doing anything: the ideal political position – and really confuses poor old Zelenskyy, who must be wondering who in the West he can actually rely on. NO ONE! The actor forgot one important thing when he decide to play Churchill. Every Churchill, while he definitely needs a Roosevelt … he really needs a Stalin. And guess where he is?”

Irish sources say that ballistic missile sites are not contained within the overall development plan for south Dublin. “It’s a problem with noise, really,” a planning official explained. “Of course, if they were to offer to build affordable housing, and I mean lots of it, then there might be a more sympathetic ear for their application.”