BELGRADE, THURSDAY

ANY CHINESE ATTACK on Taiwan will be probably be preceded by a huge surge of cat videos on YouTube and other sites, according to the CIA.

In a leaked briefing paper for President Joe Biden -a copy of the paper was found on a Washington street stuck to a small bag of cocaine – the US spy agency says that cat videos are definitely being used by China to lure the West – and indeed, the world – into a dangerously false sense of security.

The report states: “The exponential growth of cat videos on the internet in recent years, and, more importantly, the huge surge in really cute cat videos, leads this Agency to conclude that there is something more sinister behind this mind-numbing activity than just millions of feline aficionados with nothing better to do with their sad lives. The Chinese are using these videos to in effect control the world.”

The report, which stretches to fifteen pages, goes on to suggest that cat video patterns have been detected that parallel various aggressive Chinese behaviors in recent years, and that the attraction of these videos can cause at least one third of Western armed forces personnel to be distracted from their military tasks at any given time.

The report goes on: “It is our belief that should the PRC (Peoples Republic of China) seek to launch an invasion of Taiwan in the future, that we will notice an enormous increase in these cat videos on the internet immediately ahead of this, containing an almost unbearable level of cuteness which may render our armed forces utterly useless in the key first hours of any struggle.”

The CIA suggests that the President consider banning cat videos on the internet at times of heightened international tension, particularly involving China.

There is no indication as to what anyone in, or close to, the White House did with the information.