FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN NIGER (IT’S IN AFRICA!!)

PLUKY BRITS caught in the Niger coup chaos, having been told by their own Government just to stay indoors, are now hearing that French soldiers evacuating European citizens, have been told not to take any Britons who voted for Brexit.

“And we have to answer their questions in French,” said one Londoner, who insisted he was now trapped. “I don’t speak frog,” he added.

“I speak a little French all right, but with a thick Geordie accent,” said Denis from Newcastle. “I’ve tried twice to tell them I didn’t vote for Brexit, man. They don’t understand me. Even me own countrymen don’t understand me,and that’s when I’m speaking English. I heard there was a member of the Foreign Legion from Sunderland. Away the lads. We might just be able to understand one another if I can find him.”

Valerie, a mother of fifteen, whose husband is a Wagner Mercenary in Niger, says that even the Russians are being preferred by the French. “We’re leaving at five when Oleg can get the gold bars he’s been promised as success fee. We’re just waiting for the explosives to arrive. We’ll probably settle in Paris. I don’t really fancy England any more. And Oleg might have issues.”

French sources insisted that they were not discriminating against Brits who voted for Brexit. “Non. We’re taking no British whatsoever, no matter what they voted. We would prefer to take a wild pig than Les Anglais,” said a French officer.

Those Brits who are now cowering in their homes and hotels have been hailed as heroes by various English media sources. “As long as the gin and tonic keeps flowing, our chaps and chapesses will keep the flag flying,” says Hornet Spike, a freelance journalist and occasional spy, who is covering the Niger coup for MI6 and several British news outlets. “Rule Britannia and all that. Cheers!”