WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DESK

IT’S TAKEN OVER 18 months and some arm twisting but Washington has finally agreed to release its only Chuck Norris to Ukraine.

“We have been begging them since Putin invaded,” said a Kyiv Government spokesman, “just let us have Chuck Norris and we can win this thing. I only hope it isn’t too late.”

Russian forces in Ukraine are said to be taking Valium to calm their nerves and drinking more vodka than the Kremlin can supply. “I have seen fear before,” said a local correspondent, “but never like this.”

Indeed, a Russian lawyer maintains that a secret protocol to the Geneva Conventions specifically bans the use of Chuck Norris in modern warfare. “It is cruel and inhuman to unleash such a devastating weapon,” said Yuri Beria. “With Chuck Norris a battlefield becomes a slaughterhouse.”