MARINE MYSTERIES DESK

THE SHIP THAT keeps on sinking may have sunk because vast amounts of water got inside her. This is the controversial new theory of marine archaeologist Ulcerous Fin, whose great grandfather was captain of one of the ships that failed to come to the doomed liner’s rescue on the night it went down.

“Granddaddy was actually running guns to the Irish revolutionary group, the IRB, and couldn’t give away his position,” the expert told a packed audience of Titanic fans at TitaniCom ’22 in Las Vegas. “It was Ireland or the ship. Ireland won. Unfortunately, Granddaddy hit rocks off Kerry and sank himself a few days later. He was still in jail when the 1916 Rising broke out and so was saved the firing squad. Alas, his old comrades shot him in 1923 for possession of a pistol rescued from the gun running ship, given to him by Michael Collins.”

The Titanic’s sinking has been attributed to bad rivets, bad steel, burning coal bunkers, even premature German torpedoes. Fin says they can all be discounted. “It hit a very big iceberg while travelling too fast, and lots of water flooded in. More water than it could cope with. There weren’t enough lifeboats. What lifeboats there were, were not properly filled. The water was cold and deep. The ship sank. Most of those on it or in the water drowned. The survivors were rescued.”

Titanic specialists across the globe have challenged Fin’s theory as fanciful, unsupported by any conspiracy or coincidence. “Hell, he doesn’t even acknowledge that the ship was cursed by anti-Catholic graffiti scribbled across its hull,” said one expert. “This one will sink like a stone.”