BELGRADE, THURSDAY

AN ARCHAEOLOGIST WHO specializes in Hittite studies says that Republican front runner Donald Trump shares his name (if spelled backwards) with an ancient demon so evil that only the dead were permitted to speak its name.

“Pmurt (actually pronounced Murt as the P is silent in ancient Hittite) Dlanod (Again, this would be pronounced Lano as the D is pronounced T in old Hittite) is one of seven Hittite demons who are said to have scourged the ancient empire before its final demise,” explains Professor Lawrence Edward Thomas of Istanbul’s Pitt (American) University.

The Hittite Empire occupied much of what is now central and eastern Turkey until it disappeared over a thousand years before the birth of Jesus Christ. It existed at the same time as the legendary city of Troy, and was a rival to Egypt. Indeed, a copy of a peace treaty, the Treaty of Kadesh, between it and the Egyptian Empire is a showpiece at the United Nations in New York

“It is said that although outside pressures contributed to its fall – particularly the Assyrian Empire – demons contained in the Hittite Book of the Living Dead, which were inadvertently let loose by what’s referred to as ‘a fracture in the civil discourse’, hastened the end of the Hittites,” Professor Lawrence says. “We think that the phrase ‘a fracture in the civil discourse’ is code for some catastrophic disintegration of civil order within the empire. They just grew to hate each other. Then their enemies pounced.”