FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN THE TRENCHES

“WELL, IF HE’S here he comes ready for action; no need for training or practice.”

The Ukrainian Brigade commander who spoke these words could hardly conceal his excitement. The battle for the village of Robotyne has been an epic struggle over the past three months. The Ukrainians have thrown everything into the fight and at last are approaching the Russian first defence line.

“It’s perhaps the game-changer, as you say,” insists Kyiv press relations officer, Olga, who quietly shows me what she says is the movie star’s autograph. “Walker Texas Ranger, run you Russian bastards!” she roars at a treeline five hundred metres in front before dropping her trousers and mooning at the enemy. A volley of rifle fire brings her back into cover. “That was fun,” she remarks. “We don’t get a lot of fun here.”

Across the lines, Ukrainian reconnaissance drones, capable of listening into and recording individual conversations, report that green Russian conscripts, raised on Chuck Norris movies, are afraid. “We say blind panic,” says Sergeant V. a former bit player in movies who now mans a .50 calibre machine gun. “You wanna hear what they are saying to each other. No, I couldn’t repeat it. “I know personally that they evacuated at least three trench lines because they believed Chuck Norris was approaching. It’s fantastic. I can smell the Sea of Azov already. Slava Ukraine.”