BELGRADE, THURSDAY

IS QUEEN ELIZABETH II alive and living in the Canaries? The British monarch, who was believed to have died a year ago, was allegedly spotted by holidaymakers queuing in the EU line at Lanzarote Airport.

“It was definitely her,” said Debbie from Essex, who describes herself as a royal fanatic. “She had the headscarf. She had the tweed skirt. She was standing between two burly blokes who just had to be cops. I rather fancied one of them.”

Ever since her funeral last year, experts have speculated as to whether she was actually dead.

“The suddenness of it all, that caused suspicions,” says Royal expert Simon Slavish-Sycophant, whose recent book Why I Masturbate to Photos of the Royals is a number-one bestseller. “This sighting is interesting because she was seen going through the EU gate at the airport. Due to her German heritage she would be entitled to an EU passport. Or her Grandfather’s position as King of Ireland might be enough. The Irish are handing them out with the rations, as they say. Last December, several people said they saw her visiting Santa Claus at a big department store in New York.”

Buckingham Palace and the British Government have not commented on the news.

“They won’t,” says Michael Upshot-Treacle, who used to clean Prince Phillip’s underwear. “If she is still alive, then she will have signed an abdication instrument. They don’t want that known, because she vowed to stay on the throne till death.”

Fleet Street, the collective name for London’s Press Corps, is alive with rumours, and about a hundred reporters are on their way to the Spanish islands off Africa.

“Could be staying there for months,” said tabloid hack Sly Fiddle. “Someone’s gotta do it.”