FROM OUR LIZ TRUSS CORRESPONDENT

RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE officers are being accused of torturing Ukrainian prisoners by reading pages of a new biography of the short UK premiership of Liz Truss to them in an attempt to squeeze information on the ongoing Ukrainian counter-offensive.

Described by human rights organizations as a brutal war crime, it is understood that the account of Truss’s time at No 10 Downing Street has caused some prisoners to go insane. Others say it is worse than having your fingernails pulled out one by one.

“The Russians pipe the readings into cells, 24 hours a day,” says Daphne Feelfettle, who monitors breaches of international law in conflict zones. “The prisoners cannot escape it, and the contents have been described by survivors as utterly toxic, like being gassed. It’s the mind-numbing incompetence of her premiership which does the real damage, I’m told. To anyone with a brain anyway. Strangely, British prisoners, and Neo-Nazis, are not affected.”

Ukraine has lodged a complaint with the United Nations and there are plans to try and have the Security Council debate the issue. However, observers are not optimistic that this will eventuate.

“The Russians will not let anything against their interest through the Security Council,” says Olga Herbert Meatgrynder, a long-time Swiss diplomat turned ballroom dancer, and friend of very important people. “Unless of course they want to highlight what they’ve been describing as equally tortuous treatment by Kyiv, namely the publication of the gibberish which has come from from Boris Johnson both during and after his stint as British Prime Minister. Which they say, privately, is far worse than any Truss antics, because it has to be endured by Russian civilians.”