LONDON EDITOR

IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT to shore up political support following shocking recent poll numbers, the UK Conservative Party, currently in Government, is said to be planning to send British military officers to Ukraine to try and provoke a direct attack on the UK by Vladimir Putin which they can then blame for the mess of Brexit.

“They can’t blame Covid, or even the war in Ukraine itself, any more,” says tabloid freelance Greg Smeg, who normally specializes in exposing ministerial sexual misconduct, “so the next notch is to put UK soldiers visibly into Ukraine and provoke Putin’s anger. I’m told the powers that be estimate a single large volley of cruise missiles will do the trick. They can then blame all the country’s problems on Putin and hopefully secure a fresh term in office. That’s the best they can come up with given he short time available to them before another election. Believe me, the Sunak regime is teetering. Things are so bad that ministers haven’t even the energy to go out and get a mistress. So I’m watching the dull end of the political spectrum. Boring.

“Anyway, I’m watching out for tidal waves in case the Ruskis use that underwater nuke instead.”