KYIV

NEWS THAT Ukraine has come out in support of Israel in the latter’s time of need has been somewhat smothered by a report that Ukraine’s offer of tactical and strategic know how has been firmly refused by the Netanyahu Government.

“Are they out of their fuckin’ minds?” an Israeli general is reported as saying. “I’d rather take advice from the Spice Girls. Or Hamas. They appear to know what they are doing.”

Another issue for Israel when dealing with Ukraine is the former’s large Russian population. “Our ancestors may have been the subject of so many Czarist pogroms it was said you could set your watch by them,” says Holocaust historian Professor Anatoly Zhivagovich. “But many are still Russian deep in their souls. And unfortunately for Kyiv, many of these Czarist massacres took place in and around Ukraine. Because that was where the Jewish equivalent of Gaza was in those day. Awkward, no? And then there’s the Second World War and my area of expertise. Best draw a discreet veil over that one, I think. Though,President Zelenskyy is always welcome here if things don’t turn out well for him. ‘Out of the frying pan …’ as they say.”