LONDON

THE WORLD TOILET roll futures market has seen its volatility index spike in recent days as concern over the availability of the domestic staple rises amid the growing tensions in the Middle East.

“Bog roll futures have been all over the place this last forty eight hours as rumors of supermarkets in Israel being cleaned out have spread,” says Eric Barrowboy a senior dealer in toilet roll options and bathroom product derivatives. “We haven’t had anything like this since the Covid pandemic. The Ukraine war had stretched things but this awful business in Israel, that may have sent things over the edge. The only plus is that many people in that part of the world have different toilet habits which don’t involve paper. But you watch sponge futures in the next couple of days. There”ll be a huge short cover rally there I’m sure.”

Toiletry Economics expert Dr Uriah Dump says that what is happening was to be expected: “Conflict and disaster always lead to panic buying and toilet roll strangely is often placed higher than food and water in many people’s shopping list. The recent massacres in Israel and – more to the point – what is to come, have caused ordinary Israelis to stock up. What is happening in Gaza, God only knows, but I suspect quite a few Palestinians are soiling themselves right now.”