FROM OUR LONDON OFFICE

BRITISH LABOUR LEADER Sir Keir Starmer’s speaking tone is so leaden that mothers are admitting to using his speeches to get their babies to sleep.

“I’ve been taping him for years now, and if my little fellow won’t sleep at night, I just turn on old Keir and the whole family’s catching Zs in a few minutes,” says Deb of Essex. “Of course I have it timed, because if I left it on too long one of us could overdose.”

There have been stories of attempted suicide by Starmer, where desperate souls lock themselves in their homes, seal up the doors and windows and play Starmer until they pass away.

Ambulance driver Nick, from the Midlands says he knows of at least three such cases.

A recent poll of Labour voters indicated that he was being used as a sleeping aid by at least 40% of his key audience. “Actually, his mind-numbing delivery is gaining Labour supporters from the insomniac community and shift workers, many of whom were lifelong Tories but have now come over to Labour,” says Pollster Mike, who likens it to the Thatcher Effect in the 1980s when thousands of Labour supporters turned Tory just because of Margaret Thatcher’s scolding female voice. “Discipline,” Mike explained. “They liked being told what to do by a strong woman.”

Starmer is being tipped as the next UK Prime Minister, so despite the difficulties being endured by the British people, they will all get a good night’s sleep.