POLITICAL DESK

THERE ARE SO many online photographs of Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese shaking hands with people, that they are actually slowing internet speeds in Australia and around the world, a senior data processor has claimed.

“These things are more prevalent that images of the Kardashians, or Logan Paul,” says Ulysses Byte whose company 010 monitors internet traffic around the globe. “There’s an Albo photograph viewed somewhere in the world every second of every day. Harry Styles doesn’t get this kind of promotion. It would shame a dictator. And now it’s actually interfering with the web itself. Even supercomputers are struggling to cope. So speeds have slowed. Cyber security experts are beginning to call these Albo photos out for what they are – malware. The Russians might even be using them for cyber attacks. Imagine a billion images of Anthony Albanese shaking someone’s hand, with that gormless grin he always uses. No software can endure that for long. Not to mention the effect it has on humans. I know he’s desperate to rescue his reputation after the Voice humiliation but endless handshake photos is not the way to run a country. And if he wants to distract from abject failure, he can always do what Netanyahu is doing: declare war. It would be more humane.”