FROM BEIJING

THERE WAS NO contest. As soon as Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese began explaining The Voice to his Chinese host, President Xi Jinping just broke down and surrendered on every point of contention between the two countries.

“Yeah, it was a blood bath,” says freelance reporter Mike Trenchcoat, who was travelling with the Prime Minister. “Xi just folded. The look of horror on his face made some of the officials attending the two leaders turn pale. One or two of the Chinese who spoke English just put their hands over their ears. One eventually begged Albo to just stop. They had had enough and he hadn’t even reached first base. Of course that’s the cruelty of it, isn’t it, there is no first base, not details, it’s just a trip through hell. Who needs nuclear subs and cruise missiles when you have an Albanese brainwave? One Chinese secret policeman made discreet inquiries with the Australian Feds about licensing the whole business to use in their torture chambers. I had to have a stiff drink myself. He’s a brutal man that Albo. Just brutal.”