FROM OUR RELIGION EDITOR STEPHEN JAWKINS PERVASE IN ROME

“NOT ONLY DID the savior of mankind not die on the cross, he never even left the planet.”

These are the controversial words of self-styled Jesus biographer Hapless Lent, Professor of Christian Studies at the University of The Exiles in southern Patagonia. Lent, who was formerly a strong advocate for atheism, now claims that the Son of God lived a secret life in Rome after the events in Jerusalem that made his name, until arrangements could be made for him to flee to South America.

“He stayed in the Vatican until at least 1492, we know that. But as soon as South America was discovered, he took passage on a Conquistador ship and settled in the Andes. He’s there to this day. Running a small guest house. Doing the odd bit of carpentry, the occasional miracle.

“The fame never sat well with him; and what people have done with his simple message of peace, love and fellowship has rather destroyed his own faith in mankind. Naturally, he still goes along with the plan but experience has dulled his expectations. And of course he’s old now. In spirit if not in body. The wounds have healed. But the trauma remains.

“Rome still sends a stipend once a year via a nun based in Buenos Aires. And then there’s his extended family. The carpentry business did quite well after his crucifixion, and developed into a large construction multinational now based in Dubai. Jesus is still a major shareholder.

“Once a week he drinks wine and breaks bread with his neighbors. They all know who he is but they keep it to themselves. He still has a thing about money changers. Well, he’s not perfect … okay, maybe not perfectly perfect. Just ordinary perfect. Waiting for the world to catch up but watching it drift further and further away.”