GAZA

ISRAEL’S MUCH-VAUNTED intelligence service, Mossad, says that Israeli troops in Gaza have found plans for a Hamas tunnel going all the way to the east coast of the United States.

“This super-tunnel, probably financed by Iran, presents a clear and present danger to the United States of America,” says right-wing lobbyist Jenkis Caan, who advocates the utter destruction of Gaza, the West Bank, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq and Iran. “Imagine Iranian Revolutionary Guards running amok in Manhattan or Washington DC. It’s intolerable. Time to bring out the nukes.”

Israeli soldiers are said to be furiously searching for the entrance to the tunnel.

“This could be the real reason for such brutality in Gaza,” according to Middle East expert Lawrence Fisk. “The real reason for the presence of such strong American forces off the coast. The Pentagon is desperately looking for an exit from Maine to Florida. But it’s a needle in a haystack search. The exit could be in someone’s house. People are being asked to look out for large numbers of heavily armed middle eastern men emerging from single dwellings.”