BY OUR COOKERY REPORTER JAMIE MUNCHER

THE POISONING OF the wife of top Ukraine spy chief, Kyrylo Budanov, has caused panic in the kitchens of Kyiv and other major Ukrainian cities, as the Zelenskyy government finds itself on an enforced diet.

“Somewhere out there is a Russian agent we call The chef,” said a Ukrainian intelligence source. “He’s either a cook himself or has access to large amounts of our food supplies. We’re not sure. Mrs Budanov was not the only one poisoned, which means we cannot be sure what food was responsible for her condition. We think we know but we can’t be one hundred per cent sure. Kyrylo has been a target of the Kremlin for a long time. He’s a spymaster on a par with Marcus Wolff and M in the James Bond movies. They want him dead.”

Daithi Kincora, a Dublin-based spy expert and world-renowned conspiracy theorist with links to the British Royal Family, insists that The Chef is closer to the Kyiv leadership than they might like to admit. “He may be one of them. You don’t just walk in and poison the spymaster’s wife. I see a conspiracy here. I see tentacles. Yes, that’s tentacles, this is a bad phone line, there’s an anti-immigrant riot going on outside. Putin would like to decapitate Ukrainian intelligence, which appears to be the only part of the Kyiv military structure that is really competent. Believe me, The Chef is cooking up his next meal, and it will be served cold. Did you get that about tentacles? Tentacles! Yes. And don’t send out for pizza in Kyiv if you work for the regime.”