FROM BRUSSELS BY ALEXANDER TURK

A FRESH SURVEY of European Union citizens has found that a huge portion of the population of the bloc would actually agree to pay money to Britain to keep that country from rejoining them.

“The peace and quiet without the Brits is hard to relinquish,” says Malcolm Felipe Mulhuddert, a Hispano-Irish diplomat who worked on the Brexit divorce and now assists member states in maximizing their position. “All the agro is gone. All the petty nitpicking. All the entitled exceptionalism. And the fucking Second World War. At last we don’t have to listen to that shite any more. No, civilized intercourse has returned to Europe. Gentle respectful culture is back in fashion. A little black rent is a small price to pay to keep that.”

Other commentators say that the British just do not – and cannot – fit in.

“The British are essentially pirates, slave traders and drug runners, and no amount of noble titles can take that away,” insists Heinz Kissinger, a correspondent for the German-Cambodian news agency, Karpyt Bowmb. “Thieves and blackguards. Below stairs, I believe is the phrase they themselves use. As long as they had money, they were probably tolerable. But now they’re headed for debtor’s prison, who needs all that?”

A significant portion of the voters who would pay to keep Britain out are also willing to see their taxes rise to achieve that end. “Even I’d chip in,” says Londoner Bert Mandate, who took out French citizenship following service in the Foreign Legion. “A few quid. Or Euros.”