BY OUR PREMIER LEAGUE STAFF

“THEY’VE HAD MORE defeats than England have had in penalty shootouts.”

Harsh words from Harry Headerblockhed, football pundit and one-time chief scout of Doggerbank Rovers, who won the English First Division in the 19th Century before plunging to non-league obscurity after the Second World War.

And the centenarian Geordie was not referring to soccer when she spoke those words. Because Harry is also a WW2 veteran.

“If NATO were in the English Premiership, they’d be facing relegation,” he said bitterly. “Its match record is pitiful. Why is the manager still there? Why is the squad still playing? Woeful, I say, and I fought on D-Day. Any good European side would have ditched the manager and most of the players by this stage. I guess failure isn’t a sacking offence in war and politics.

“This latest fiasco in Ukraine would make you cry. They’ve been sending out poorly trained fourth rate players and casually watching the lads get murdered. It’s a disgrace. No commentary on the courage of the Ukrainians, they’re first rate in guts. It’s just that their guts are all over the field and no use to anyone but the scavengers. I’ve watched NATO play for decades now and the quality has gone down and down. I’ve seen nothing like it since Manchester United were relegated in the early seventies.

“And that was because Georgie Best was more focused on bangin’ Miss World than he was on scorin’ goals. Well maybe NATO has a similar problem. Its credibility is shot to pieces. It has no strategy. It loses heart before the second half has begun. Somethin’ is rotten. And relegation in world politics is a lot more painful than it is in a football league.”