KYIV

FEARFUL OF ITS professed allies’ initial overconfidence in, and recent underwhelming support for, its war effort against Russia, the Ukrainian Government is said to have asked NATO if it would be interested in changing sides.

“The feeling is that if NATO were to roll in behind Putin in the same manner that it has with us, victory for Ukraine would be assured,” insists a senior staff officer with the Ukrainian high command. “We don’t want to insult the Western Alliance but it has the track record of a third division soccer team fighting relegation. We were foolish to believe that it would be different for our war. They just can’t hack it. It’s all bluster and childish news headlines. I mean, we’ve been losing this offensive of ours since the first day and yet the West has been cheer-leading like it’s a second D-Day. You have to be either stupid beyond credulity or magnificently duplicitous to do that. We can’t really indulge either. So, if they wouldn’t mind, perhaps they could piss off and go and haunt the Russians.”