NUREMBERG, GERMANY

ONE HUNDRED AND twenty years after its publication, the Jewish plan for world domination, which saw them drag humanity into two disastrous world wars, has failed miserably, according to someone who admits he was instrumental in its implementation.

“Yes, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, our blueprint for world hegemony, is in tatters, oy vey,” says the very old man who claims he actually helped draw up the document. Known only as Number 1, and overly fond of cats, he is now close to one hundred and fifty years old, he says, and living on a small volcanic island near Cyprus.

“We would have gotten away with it if it hadn’t been for those pesky lefty kids, who have devoted their lives to exposing us. And, of course, 007. Yes, we had been expecting you, Mr Bond. And you brought down our Bolshevik conspiracy. Now, the Jewish people are confined to a small sliver of land on the Mediterranean coast of the Arabian Peninsula, and New York. What have we to show for our evil? High real estate prices and a world that hates us. Wait a minute, the latter is nothing new so it’s only the high real estate prices. I guess Hitler was right. You know we always admired him. Never liked him but respect, yes. He saw through us. Luckily we were able to manipulate Churchill and Roosevelt in time; and Stalin, well he was a case of the enemy of my enemy. But it was touch and go for many years. “

Acceptance of the failure of the plot comes following Israel’s reaction to the Hamas attacks of 7 October this year.

“If the world won’t let us strike back after what happened that day, then we have lost the world … again,” Number 1 told the Kookaburra Bugle. “They would have us destroyed. And so we are forced to destroy. The only commonality is destruction. I should have stayed in Ukraine, maybe. Shit, no!”