BY A.R SECRACK, DEFENCE WRITER

AN OFFICE CHRISTMAS party prank has led to the accidental release of a top secret Australian plan to defeat any potential Chinese invasion of the dry continent with salt water crocodiles, kangaroos and venomous snakes.

“It appears that a mid-level civil servant with access to the plan got drunk at a Canberra bar and decided to take his girlfriend back to the office for an intimate congress on his minister’s desk,” explained the Kookarburra Bugle’s source in the corridors of power. “When the couple had finished their congress, the larrikin then decided to photocopy his arse and tackle for his lady’s delectation. Unfortunately, a memo detailing the top secret counter-invasion plan was also in the machine and the photocopy of his backside was overlaid with its contents. His lady took the offerings but the following day she recovered from her drunken state and a wave of shame caused her to dispose of all evidence of the party antics. The secret defence plan was found in a pizza box.”

Apparently there is a major inquiry under way in Canberra. But the plan is out.

“The Defence plan, such as it is, was divided into three headings,” continued the Bugle’s Deep Throat. “These are:

1. ‘Salt Water Crocodiles: – The animals are to be bred and trained to attack Chinese troops by being raised on a diet of Fried Rice, Chow Mein and Peking Duck. It is hoped that thousands of ravenous salt water crocs will halt any Chinese advance at various Northern Territory river crossings and water holes.
2. ‘Kangaroos: – Tens of thousands of kangaroos will be equipped with Go-Pro devices so that they can act as Australia’s forward reconnaissance. The problem of kangaroo hopping will be counter-acted by gyroscopic balancing software that will steady images received at base.
3. ‘Venomous Snakes:- Millions of these creatures are to be raised in special and highly secret farms, where their poison will be raised to such a level of lethality, that merely by proximity they will kill anything within ten metres.’

“Plans to use Galahs as live drones met with abject failure as they birds proved so stupid they dropped their deadly ordnance on friendly troops.”

Beijing has refused to comment on the leaked plan, except to say that they were happy that koalas were being spared the humiliations inflicted on the other fauna. It is understood that koalas are very popular in China.