DUBLIN, EIRE

MID-ULSTER DISTRICT COUNCIL said thanks, but no thanks. Apparently, its walls are already reserved for pictures of hunger strikers, 1916 martyrs, Gaelic Football stars and Liam Neeson action stills. No room for a portrait of King Charles III of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and (parts of) Northern Ireland, even if it came free of charge.

“It’s nothing personal really, but to be honest, we’re just not fond of Germans around here,” said a spokesman from Sinn Fein, the majority party on the council. “They let us down in 1916, and then again in the 1940s. You can’t rely on them. Charlie – or should I say Karl – Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, may well be a tree-hugger – as I understand is our own Gerry (Adams) – but he’s still a German. So, no.”

Meanwhile, down in Dublin, the chattering classes of the city’s south side are holding their breath, having heard that Fine Gael members of the country’s ruling coalition Government have urged their masters to take the portrait of His Majesty to hang in a place of honor, on one of their their walls.

“I watched his wedding - the first one, of course – and I don’t mind saying I shed a tear,” said Darina from Ballsbridge. “It would have been a perfect day if it hadn’t been for those beastly Sinn Fein knackers outside screaming about some thug starving himself to death near Belfast. A portrait of Charles beside one of our very own John Bruton, I believe that would be appropriate.”

Former Fine Gael Taoiseach (Prime Minister) John Bruton – often mistakenly referred to as John Briton in the European press, and once referred to as John Unionist by an opponent – gave such a gushing appreciation of the then Prince Charles when the latter visited Ireland in 1995, that many of the British royal’s own Fleet Street entourage were unable to eat dessert after the speech, having been forced to the bathroom in great haste.

“Brutal Fawning,” was how one tabloid’s headline described it.

“Mr Bruton is a man who, from recent remarks, appears to believe his own country’s founding fathers were criminals,” says a seasoned Irish political commentator. “It’s a curious place he inhabits. I suspect even King Charles could have difficulty being hung next to him.”

Younger Irish voters are not as keen as old Brutonites appear to be, on having the British monarch’s image displayed in their uber-modern republic.

Susan Ecstasy (not her real name) from Foxrock, who was born after the Good Friday Agreement, speaks Irish fluently and listens to Billie Eilish in Arabic because she supports an independent Palestine, said she might be open to a portrait of Charles being hung in a place of prominence in Dublin, if it weren’t for its homophobic and anti-trans overtones. “I mean Ulster Unionism, are we really supposed to tolerate that? Pray the gay away, anti-women’s rights, and such? I think not. These people are antediluvian lunatics. And Charles, who represents all that, needs to be treated accordingly. If they hang him up down here, we’ll tear him down.”