WEST OF WEST OF IRELAND

AN OLD BLACK and white erotic silent movie entitled BLASKET ISLAND BITCH has been discovered in the suitcase of a dead Irish nun following her death from a drug overdose at the age of 118.

The silent film, which dates from somewhere in the second decade of the Twentieth Century, and appears to have been made by uber-racist Hollywood director D. W. Griffith, is said to star legendary Irish author Peig Sayers in the eponymous role.

“‘Tis an incredible document,” says Dr Ultan Buiochasledia, an anthropologist based in Munich. “Apparently it was made as a fundraiser for the Irish national struggle. If you look closely you can just see what could be Patrick Pearse and a young Michael Collins as extras in one of the orgy scenes. It’s a short film, no more than twenty five minutes, but all in all it’s really rather modern in tone. Peig herself plays a standard porno character, the leather-clad vixen with lesbian inclinations and a whip. And there’s a donkey too. The accompanying script is of course in Irish. Perhaps written by Pearse himself? It’s not clear how Griffith became associated with the film. It was possibly made just after his Birth of a Nation breakthrough. Of course, authorship could be a mistake and it might be that Irish nationalist icon and occasional anti-semite Arthur Griffith actually directed it. The writing on the reel is very hard to read without expert equipment.

“They say it sold well in Berlin and Amsterdam, and Tangiers. However, a Black and Tan raid on Peig’s home brought sales in Ireland, where it did the round of small towns and church halls, to an abrupt halt. After that, the film disappears. Rumors of its being shown at regimental reunions in London were widespread in the 1930s. Then even those dried up. Only specialist film historians had even heard of its possible existence. And really no one in those years believed it – well, Dev wasn’t in it, was he? – and even talk of it was banned under the Offences Against the State Act in he 40s and 50s. And then it finally turns up in this nun’s suitcase in the loft of a convent. Her story is interesting in itself. She was the last of her community, said to be a former German Concentration Camp commander smuggled out of the continent posing as a paraplegic, via Lourdes. How she developed her cocaine habit – yes, habit, I know – is unclear. How she got her hands on the film even more so.”

The discovery of the film, being hailed by some as a masterpiece, may well surprise all those who allege they suffered through the Irish education system’s somewhat overzealous Irish language regime through the Twentieth Century, critics suggest.

“Yes, Peig’s own story – unsurprisingly entitled Peig – was a central feature of a system that for many amounted to torture and child abuse,” says Jams Uachtaroite of *Cait, a charity that helps victims of Peig emigrate. “Thousands failed to recover from it, you know. Perhaps the film will assist a sort of reconciliation. Perhaps it will make it on to the school syllabus.”

Abroad, the film is being lauded as a final act in the liberation of Mna na hEireann (go look it up) from bondage (although admittedly bondage takes up a large portion of the running time).

“Yes, for the millions of Irish women who were subjected to Peig’s crippling autobiography, the film shows a different side to their erstwhile tormentor, a more edgy, fuller woman, pregnant with contradictions and an erotic sexuality that her book just doesn’t reach,” says Dr Germaine Hurly Girly, Professor of Gender Whine Studies at the online University of Falopia based in Southern California. “Go Peig, maybe you did have sex more than once!”

*Cait Boland was the friend who never sent Peig money to emigrate to America, a failure deemed unforgivable in many corners of Ireland. – ED