BELGRADE, THURSDAY

“ASSISTED SUICIDE IS NOW the third largest source of tech start-ups across the Western World.”

Adam Evequibit, a tech entrepreneur and sometime lifestyle guru, whose last eighteen start-ups all attained multi-billion dollar valuations before entering Chapter 11, insists death is the new lifeline for tech start-ups.

“The spectacular failure of so many recent tech start-ups, whose only crime is not making a profit, has forced entrepreneurs to explore previously taboo areas in order to part venture capitalists from their money. Frankly speaking, with interest rates rising the way they are, we’re running out of moron investors.”

Enter, or is it exit? assisted suicide.

The growing legalization of suicide in the Western World has led to an increase in demand for assisted dying services, and tech start-up entrepreneurs have seen an opening.

And Mr Evequibit’s contribution is YOUDIE.

YOUDIE, Mr Evequibit insists, lifts the experience of self-inflicted death from the quietly sordid and blandly tragic, to the explosively sublime and expensively dignified. “Remember, you can’t take it with you. So we’ll take it from you. Honestly, we want to elevate assisted suicide from its current position as an unpleasant and embarrassing family fireside tale to something everyone can aspire to. Everything will be tech driven – or at least we will add the word tech to everything we do. You will even eat robot-made pizza as the precious life drains from you to the sounds of Frank Sinatra or whoever. Though of course, we can’t guarantee absolute crust quality there, robots being robots.”

YOUDIE is planning its IPO later this year.