LONDON

“SHE DIDN’T SAY that his mother loves him, but she left out little else. It was a ghastly example of the please please love me statement desperate leaders and their governments resort to when they have run out of other options.”

These words, spoken by a senior lobby correspondent at the British Parliament in Westminster, were directed at Penny Mordaunt Leader of the House of Commons, whose recent speech to the House of Commons in support of her beleaguered leader Rishi Sunak, garnered more laughs than an episode of The Thick Of It.

“Clearly it was done for a wager,” said an opposition Labour MP. “That she could get through it without laughing, or even smiling. Otherwise, it’s one of the most pathetic parliamentary speeches in the history of this place. It’s hard to believe that anyone could deliver such drivel except for a bet, or as a joke.”

“Yes, Winston Churchill, eat your heart out,” said a demoralized Conservative backbencher who did not wish to be named. “Poor Rishi. It was as if she was actually trying to convince voters that their Prime Minister really was British. I thought I saw a few movements on her face. Perhaps she was desperately trying to hold in the laughs, or stop herself puking. It was sad. I’m headed to the bar, and then the private sector.”