MI5 HEADQUARTERS, HOLYWOOD, BELFAST

HARDENED LOYALISTS SAY they are convinced that whoever wore a wire and leaked discussions at the crucial DUP party meeting that decided on re-entry to Stormont, earlier this week, was a long-time well-schooled informer with the skill and cold nerve to walk and talk among trusting friends and then betray their every word.

“Has to have been,” says Willie “Masher” Mucsauvage, one-time UFF hitman, now community liaison officer. “Your ordinary DUP politician wouldn’t have had the nerve to do it, I don’t think. No, your man has done this before. Probably for MI5 or Special Branch. I seen it when we found out my brother-in-law had been wearing a wire for ten fucking years. I can’t go into into it much, but he had sat and drank with us, and done a lot of other things I am not proud of now. And then when his masters had used us up, they used him and the wire to stitch us up. I got ten years.”

The Reverend Hunter Howler of the Church of Terrible Damnation in Co. Antrim, says he is convinced the mole at the meeting was a “long-time Judas. I pray for the destruction of his body and the resurrection of his pitiful soul. Mercy, O Lord, mercy. For he will find little of it among your servants. Damn him if it is your will O Lord, and we shall take care of the details.”