BELGRADE, THURSDAY

IT USED TO be almost a daily occurrence, particularly in the southern states of the US, but recently you can’t find a teacher sleeping with her student for love nor money, and it may yet affect the bottom line of some major new outlets.

“Where have all the cougars gone?” asks English journalist Sam Moist, formerly of tabloid website *Three Words. “Used to be I was tripping over teachers banging their teenage students, at times pushing them out my door; now they’ve practically vanished. It’s a diabolical liberty. How’s a hack like me to make a living on the sins of others, if they won’t commit ’em. Come on ladies, I have four children – all teenage boys, by the way. So get shagging, please. College beckons. And if you won’t do it for me, then remember, the Daily Mail needs you. I haven’t seen a teacher screwing a student in its columns for months. And without that, it’s only got the royals and diminishing pool of war heroes to peddle.”

Psychiatrist Dr Pep Tikulcyr, who specializes in what she describes as asymmetric sex, says that social media may have made it more dangerous for women to prey on young men in the way they did before.”If you are a female teacher who takes a shine to one of your more highly-developed male students, likely as not your lust-fueled athletics with wind up on Tik Tok, or somewhere like that. Nothing’s a secret for very long any more; there’s cameras everywhere, and young people have no shame about what they post nowadays. The gain is not worth the risk. And the risk is great. Prison is a painful antidote to reckless behavioral instincts.”

*Stat Utory Rape – ED