FROM MOSCOW

MILLIONS HAVE WATCHED him spar with Tucker Carlson, and now millions of those millions have given their verdict in a poll: they want Vladimir Putin for President. And not of Russia, but of the United States of America.

“That guy rocks,’ says Proud Boy Dave who served in Iraq. “Our poor dweebs look like losers in comparison. He’s a man who knows what he wants and loves his country. If he was on the ballot in America, I’d vote Putin every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Sorry Donald.”

Cindy-Lou from Georgia, who says she took Russian for a semester at college, thinks the Russian leader displays strength. “I’d fuck him in a heartbeat and I’m staying a virgin till marriage,” she admitted. “He’s so sexy. Go Vladimir, go! He has life in him. Joe Biden only has life support. And Trump appears to be kept alive by preservative – far too orange for me. Yeah, why can’t our leaders be like Putin?”

World War Two veteran Bill from Philadelphia says he’s always had a quiet respect for the Russians. “I know we were enemies during the Cold War, and now it appears we’re enemies again – though for the life of me I cannot understand it. I remember when 27 million of them died defeating Nazi Germany. They saved us a lot of lives. People loved them then. Memories are so short. Sure, if Putin stood here I’d give the man a vote. As long as he ends that business in Ukraine fairly for everyone. I hate war and I hate people who call for war. Particularly those who dodged it when it was their turn. They make me sick.”