BELGRADE, THURSDAY

IT USED TO be that China employed pandas in diplomacy, now they are training the adorable creatures in intelligence gathering, according to a former CIA agent.

“Delivery of Chinese pandas to western zoos used to be a source of joy,” says Kurt Reeplie, who spent forty years in the CIA trying to get ant colonies to carry secret camera into enemy territory. “Now we believe the creatures are loaded with tiny computer chips and miniature listening and video equipment equipment. They’ve also been trained to eavesdrop on conversations and immediately relay the information to Beijing. At least ten pandas recently exported speak five or more human languages, and maybe three have the ability to converse with other creatures. You see what that means? They have the ability to establish networks of agents among the wildlife of America, and even more concerning, among domestic pets. It’s chilling.”

No one from the CIA was available to comment.