FALLS ROAD, BELFAST

SHOCK NEWS THAT British security service MI5 had shifted its main attention in Northern Ireland from Dissident Republicans to the Alliance Party, has led to one senior Dissident telling his supporters to support Alliance as the best way to achieve a United Ireland.

“It’s clear that the tip of the spear for unity is in Alliance given that forty percent of its members are in favour,” says Patrick “Deff” Pearse Tone, who claims to be only IRA man to have died on hunger strike, twice. “The New IRA is like all things that call themselves new, useless and a waste of time. Who are they waging war on? Our people are running the place now and Alliance is leading the charge for unity. Demographics are the only useful ammunition. Alliance tea parties will be the new car bombs in the struggle. The focus has moved from the Falls Road to the Malone Road. Wake up and smell the double skinny latte, a chara.”