FROM SOMEWHERE IN DONEGAL, IRELAND

A VETERAN IRA commander has sent shock waves through the Irish Republican Movement by announcing that he never worked for any of the British intelligence services during the Troubles.

The old fighter, known as Allegra since he transitioned to a non-binary trans gender, has confessed that he spent the entirety of the conflict as a loyal IRA volunteer, serving several prison sentences, and rising to at least two senior positions during his time in the organisation.

“It’s earth-shattering news,” says another old IRA hand. “The boys can hardly believe their ears. You think you know someone, you trust them with your life, you confide your deepest secrets to them – well, most of them – and it turns out that none of it makes it back to MI5 or British Army HQ, or even the RUC. Disappointing. I’m just glad Martin McGuinness is not around to hear this. Gerry Adams will be devastated. I mean Donaldson and Freddy Scap, they were tout royalty, but Allegra – and all respect to his decision to transition – he, or whatever his pronoun is now, just fought the war quietly and determinedly, refusing to betray his comrades to the Brits. It’s disquieting, even now, at this distance. Next he’ll be telling us he’s not joining the Alliance Party. All’s changed, changed utterly, a terrible beauty is born. And that’s not a sexist comment on his new look. The dress is a little tight though, I think.”