BELFAST

A LUNATIC SPLINTER group famed for a gay conversion therapy that involves being nailed to a cliff and pounded by Atlantic waves, claims that it is responsible for the demise of Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar.

The Temple of God’s Terrible Wrath, a small Protestant denomination based in Portadown, Co. Armagh, claims that its prayers “have driven the child of the Anti-Christ to his decision to resign”.

Varadkar, Ireland’s first openly gay leader, became even more unpopular with hard-line Unionists in Northern Ireland after he took a strong line against any border on the island of Ireland in the aftermath of Brexit.

“He brought sin and Fenianism to our sacred Ulster soil in equal amounts,” says the Reverend Unctius Screemshowt, whose dedication to his faith once caused him to amputate a hand that had accidentally shaken that of Roman Catholic while in a steam bath in Tangiers. “We faced the monster Varadkar with prayer and Protestantism. And now he is gone and we are still here. Away, away, away with your devilish schemes, Leo. Be gone. To hell or to Connaught, as someone we revere once said.”