BELGRADE, THURSDAY

NATO EXPERTS SAY they believe that the Ukrainian Army has wiped out its Russian enemy to the last man.

“Our calculations tell us there are no more Russian soldiers left,” insists Colonel Wilhelm Eggnogg of NATO’s 1st Statistician Laptop Fusiliers, a multi-national regiment based in Warsaw. “They are relying solely on robots now. Putin may well be controlling the war all by himself by means of a computer room in the Kremlin. But he’s alone. All of his men are dead. The figures don’t lie.”

Experts who monitor the Ukraine conflict say that NATO’s claim is premature. “We know of at least five Russians still alive near Bakhmut because they were watching a soccer match on their smart phones; and there was a mobile kitchen unit lobbing stale burritos at the Ukrainians close to Robotyne only yesterday,” says Professor Xerxes Leonidas of the 300 Institute based in Istanbul. “The entire Russian Army is probably not dead, not all of it anyway, not yet. NATO occasionally gets carried away.”