PYONGYANG, DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA (FOR AMERICANS, THAT’S NORTH KOREA)

SCIENTISTS IN THE hermetically-sealed demi-peninsula that is the DPRK have made an astounding claim that they are close to manufacturing a personal black hole, which can be used to slow time around an individual human being.

The North Korean boffins were originally ordered by their leader, Kim Jong-Un, to develop a way for citizens of the hereditary socialist paradise to spend more time enjoying its wonders than natural lifespans normally allow.

And what do you know, the eggheads, spurred on by love of the Great Successor and other emotions, have come up with a unique way for North Koreans to essentially spend eternity in their Utopia, a tiny, sub-atomic black hole. Easily transportable in its own Italian leather case, the black hole will allow North Koreans to slow time to a virtual stop, giving them more temporal experience than Albert Einstein could have dreamed of, or, indeed, they would probably wish for.

Western observers are concerned though, wondering if their might be a hidden military dimension to this science. Experts in California fear that any attack by North Korea on its southern neighbor (For Americans, that’s South Korea) could be preceded by a flood of fake Northern asylum seekers carrying black holes. These sinister agents would position themselves around key South Korean and American military facilities and slow time there. Meanwhile, around them the armed might of North Korea could then stroll across the 38th Parallel which divides the two countries, and take up residence in the south decades before their capitalist enemies even knew they were there.

The real unspoken fear, of course, is of this technology falling into the hands of the Russians, or the Chinese. Or, heaven forbid, even the French. A multi-speed-time world is a nightmare scenario the Pentagon cannot even imagine, let alone plan for, and one that every American President over a certain age dreads.