BY CLINT BRONSON

A NEW ACADEMIC study describes Texans 12,000 years ago as heavily-armed, tool-crazy hunters.

“These guys were stone-age Donald Trump voters,” says Dr Stone Canyon, who led the archaeological dig that founded the research. “Mad, bad and very dangerous to know. They took the war to whatever enemy they fought, be it game for food or tribal enemies.”

Dr Canyon’s colleague, Professor June August says that the culture of Texas has changed little since the first humans arrived on the North American continent. “It appears that no matter who arrives in this land, they all turn out the same way. It’s an amazing discovery really. We can apply the logic to other areas and see if we get similar results. Indeed, colleagues on a dig in California have already found evidence of an ice age culture without any weapons or tools or any sign of active culture, but loaded with narcotics. Who would have believed it?”