BELFAST

WORLD CYNICISM EXPERT Nicky McVelly has told the Kookaburra Bugle that he believes the DUP should recall Iris Robinson to its ranks, to deflect the attention that the allegations against Jeffrey Donaldson will bring to the party in the coming months.

Iris Robinson, who is married to one-time DUP supremo Peter Robinson, brought the house down when it was revealed that she had been having an affair with a man young enough to be her grandson. And had given him money in mysterious circumstances.

“The Iris affair was – in spite of her self-harming – something of a comedy piece,” insists McVelly who advises governments on how to release bad news using community tragedies as a screen. “Nothing criminal, just plain old-fashioned sin. She drinking to excess at the well of lust; her once arrogant husband poe-faced, utterly devastated; the press pretending to be serious but everywhere leaping for joy. The curtains completely pulled back on the Swish Family Robinson. This Donaldson business, however, is plain sordid. The DUP needs to offload it as quickly as possible. With an amusing anecdote. A snide giggle. A harmless guffaw. So bring back Iris. Now!”